What behavior of parents should children ignore?
Süddeutsche.de: Now some children become aggressive, destroy things or even cause pain to others. How do you stop the angry oaks from doing it?
Heueck-Mauß: In such cases, of course, adults have to step in, hold the child, walk at eye level and say very clearly with firm eye contact: "I don't want you to kick, it hurts. But I can see that you are angry because the sand shovel was stolen from you has been." Parents draw a clear line, but also verbalize the child's feelings and thereby help them.
Süddeutsche.de: Sometimes you see parents let their toddlers kick them and just continue their conversation ...
Heueck-Mauß: They make the mistaken assumption that it is best to ignore such wrongdoing. They just ignore the whole child. This makes his need to be the center of attention and therefore to establish contact in this undesirable way even greater. Because up to the age of three, aggression is not only a defense, but also a form of seeking contact. So the parents should be more aware of their child and offer a distraction: "Stop it, it hurts me. I'll finish talking, but you can pick flowers there on the meadow."
Süddeutsche.de: So are the parents to blame for their children's tantrums?
Heueck-Mauß: I wouldn't say guilt. But they have not yet learned that their child's behavior interacts with their own behavior. Only then can they act proactively and create distractions in good time. In addition, children are often attacked by the wishes of their parents. After all, they have no sense of time at all and are deeply absorbed in their game. Of course, if they're suddenly torn out, they're angry. So it is better to express your wishes with advance notice: "I see you are building a tower. Now put another stone on it and then we will go wash our hands." It doesn't take a lot of time, but you will see: It is easy on the nerves.
Doris Heueck-Mauß has a psychotherapeutic practice in Munich, gives courses at the Münchner Familienkolleg and is the author of "How do I talk to my child?" and "The Trotsky Age", both published by Humboldt-Verlag. In addition, Doris Heueck-Mauß has been preparing fathers and mothers-to-be for parenthood in courses for three decades.
You're angry, so angry: when toddlers are rioting, parents want to say: "That doesn't belong to me." Unfortunately nobody believes them. The education column.
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