Are you shy 1

Why are you so shy 10 Strategies for More Confidence - Part 1



I do not like.

Many shy boys and girls suffer from the feeling of "not being right".

They don't feel comfortable in their own skin - with their reserved manner.

Shyness is neither a disease nor a character flaw.

But somehow this trait does not seem to fit into our performance-oriented time.

The loud, talkative, and conspicuous people mostly get attention.

People are needed who can assert themselves, who are extroverted and self-confident.


Shy people, on the other hand, are often denied competencies.

They are accused of having poor self-esteem or not having an opinion of their own.


Shy people often even have special skills and many endearing qualities.

Matthias Kirchner shows you what it felt like to be a shy child and how you can optimally accompany your offspring on their way.


Here are a few strategies you can use to help your child and teen overcome their shyness:


Here are the 10 most important tips for more self-confidence in summary:

1. Think positively

Shyness is not a blemish.

Be positive about the nature of your child and accept them.

Because shy restraint also has advantages: Your child

  • act with care,
  • does not get in danger so quickly,
  • look and think first before acting.

Accept your child as it is, give him a lot of affection and attention and thus create a stable emotional foundation.


2. Refrain from negative self-assessment

Shy children are often less aware of successes than failures and are impatient with themselves.

“I can't do that anyway”, “The others can do it much better” or “Everything always goes wrong for me”, are typical statements.

Hold against it and refute the negative statements with concrete examples or situations that your child has mastered well.

Sentences like “Look, you already have…. made. The other day you just ... " give positive feedback and strengthen self-confidence.


3. Support with social contacts

Shy children often fail to approach their peers they find nice, especially during kindergarten and primary school.

Here you are asked.

For example, you can address and say the mother of another child together with your child. “Lena told me that she would like to play with Sophie one day.

Maybe she would like to visit us at home one day? "

This usually takes the most difficult hurdle for your child and breaks the ice.

However: pay attention to the needs of your child and do not force appointments just because you want them. Many children are self sufficient and do not want to meet their peers at this age.


4. Have patience and confidence

The most important thing to support shy children is patience.

They need more time than others in new, unfamiliar situations. You have to be more aware of everything in order to exclude possible "dangers".

Pushing and impatience from outside tends to prolong this assessment phase.

With this in mind, so should your shy child do not lose too much weight and keep all difficulties at bay:

Reticent children are often underestimated, although they can cope with many situations on their own - albeit at their own pace.

The little skeptics just need more time.


5. Try out situations in role play

Many fears play out in the head.

It can help younger children to try out difficult situations in advance in a role-play.

Play an order at the store or play at the doctor, tell the doctor where it hurts the most.

Your child can slip into different roles here, and you have the opportunity to give them tips - ask them: what could you do to ... ..?

Give as little advice yourself as possible. Respect their own ideas and develop them together with your child.

Only if he can't think of anything, ask: "Maybe you could .... do?" so you show him how it could behave in conflict situations, for example, if it is pushed, etc.


6. Tell fantasy journeys and fairy tales

Smaller children in particular can gain self-confidence through imaginary journeys.

For example, you tell an incident in which your child was particularly successful and courageous.

So it experiences the situation again and the strengthening feeling of success and energy is awakened again.

Fairy tales serve a similar purpose. Because here the main actors are often timid “fearful rabbits” who ultimately become celebrated heroes.


7. Let off steam loudly

Wild Romp around is an optimal way to relieve stress and anxiety. A hearty pillow fight challenges your child and exhausts it.

In addition, you train your child's self-confidence in a playful way by doing exercises that require a powerful appearance and assertiveness.

A good start is about a Screaming and grimacing duel:

Here wins the one who can shout the loudest and pull the craziest grimaces.

One is also very effective Right-wing competition, in which "Yes, that's true" and "No, that's not true."


8. Be active in sports and games

Not only romping around but also sport is very helpful in relieving physical tension and anxiety.

Either are suitable for shy children Martial arts such as judo or team sportsthat not only focus on movement, but also on the team, making it easier to make contacts.

Those who are less interested in sport can make new friends with the boy scouts, in a choir or in a band.

GcommonConnect and integrate experiences.


9. Work on body language

Your demeanor betrays most insecure and shy children: They move timidly, make themselves small, and hang their heads and shoulders.

With exercises in front of the mirror, this negative body language can be changed decisively with "small corrections":

Smiling is essential

Anyone who smiles or laughs helps boost self-confidence almost all by itself, automatically gets in a good mood and at the same time signals to those around you that you feel safe and confident.

Train stability

Whoever stands with both feet on the ground and does not step unsteadily from one leg to the other draws strength from being on the ground - is stable in the truest sense of the word.

And if you check yourself in the mirror and are aware of your posture, you automatically tense your shoulders, lift your chest and immediately appear more self-confident.

Practice greeting

A limp handshake symbolizes anxiety.

However, if you grasp a little tighter and look your counterpart in the eye, this small gesture alone proves self-confidence and strength.

Dealing with looks

Shy people find it difficult to withstand the gaze of others.

But the discomfort that often arises when you look someone in the eyes can be avoided with little tricks:

Shy children can just do it fix the bridge of the nose of the other person instead of the eyes,and anyone who is afraid of looking at their classmates during a presentation simply fixates a point on the wall and at the same time holds the sheet so high that the heads of the classmates are covered :-).


10. Absolute no-go's for parents:

  • Never reprimand or punish your child for being shy!
  • Never discuss their special nature in front of others, because your child perceives this as humiliation and offense and is difficult to defend against.
  • Avoid penetrating references to the shy behavior such as admonitions and reprimands - these additionally increase your child's insecurity.
  • Prompts like "Well, don't let yourself be satisfied with everything" or “Now finally dare” have the opposite effect. Your child feels pressured and harassed, his fear increases.
  • It is also completely inappropriate and counterproductive to use rewards to persuade the child to “trust himself more”.


Which tips will help you best to accompany your shy child on their way?

The topic will be up next week Mobbing.

If you have any questions, suggestions or requests on the subject of shyness and bullying - write them down in the comment below. Thank you :-)

Many thanks to Matthias Kirchner from for the informative conversation!



Source reference:

Nicola Wilbrand-Donzelli, Why so shy,