How does gay sex feel?
He likes women, but can only love men
A man wrestles with his sexuality. He is sexually attracted to women, but he has romantic feelings for men.
"I like to have sex with women, but so far I've only had a crush on men." For a long time he, whom we call Alexander Bieri, didn't understand whether he likes women or men. Or is he bisexual? Today the Bernese know that he is not the only one who ticks the way he ticks. His school friends suddenly had butterflies in their stomach. He knew that feeling too - but only in men. If he meets a man with a strong personality, he will be completely taken aback, will not utter a word.
The problem is that straight men are not interested in him and gays do not want to give up sex. But he is not interested in sex with men. He smiles, embarrassed. He likes sophisticated films that end up with a surprising twist. He is curious about the reactions to this article, as almost nobody knows the topic.
Lived gay for two years
During a training course twenty years ago, Bieri made friends with a homosexual and began to go to Bern's gay parties with him and his partner. "Maybe I'm gay after all," he thought. He was gay for two years, was in a six-month relationship with a man, came out to his family. And had sex with other men after the relationship. But: "That actually repelled me." The smell of men, the body hair, the muscles, the genitals: he didn't care.
So asexual? "No! Big breasts, firm bottom - that turns me on, but women don't upset me emotionally. " On the contrary: he can imagine a couple relationship much better with a man. "I bloom there," he says. He feels much more connected to men.
But it turned out differently. Bieri met a woman and moved in with her. Invitations from their parents, holidays together, car together. And says: "I was totally unhappy." He didn't feel free, had become thin-skinned. After two years he ended the relationship, whereupon there was "a drama". They have dissolved the common household. After that, he didn't want a relationship at all and instead had an affair lasting several years. The woman accepted this.
But after finishing his studies, he thought that the seriousness of life was beginning: "I thought, now I need a real relationship." He soon found a new one, but the feelings stayed away. "I felt constricted again, just went along with it." The role as a friend did not suit him. “When her boyfriend felt like a cheater,” he says. If they were invited to their parents' home, he feared that they would notice that he was "making a show". He got ice cold hands at the dining table and sweated at the same time.
The permanent malaise has affected his professional performance. Because he felt blocked as a researcher, he went to a psychologist. Nevertheless, he “gave himself a push” and moved in with her. For three years he had the feeling that “he could only drive in first gear”. Again he ended the relationship. Drama. Tears. And again the common household was dissolved. She would also have accepted to live with him in a three-way relationship, that is, with a second man. But: “Men are more in short supply”, he always finds great women.
"Doesn't want to force anything"
Only later did Bieri find out on the asexuell.ch website that he is not the only one who likes women and loves men. Personally, however, he has never met anyone like himself. As a “heterosexual homoromantic” he is just part of a minority in a minority. Neither asexual nor aromantic and somehow a bit of both. He had come to terms with that today. Online dating now makes it easier to get into partnerships or affairs. Today he no longer tells women that he is romantically attracted to men. The relationships would remain superficial and would end after a few months at the latest. He hadn't had a "real relationship" for three years. He didn't want to force anything, "that never worked out."
Is there something wrong with him? When employees come to a business lunch with their partner, he is sometimes a little sad. He would find a partnership with a man nice. He is in his late thirties today. Although he enjoys sex with women, it is no longer as important as it was a few years ago. "A partnership with a man would be more important to me."
Asexual, not aromantic
Asexual: Asexuality is the absence of sexual attraction. The proportion of the population is 1 to 3.5 percent.
Aromantic: Those who are aromantic do not feel any romantic attraction. A person's romantic and sexual orientation can be the same, e.g. homosexual-homoromantic, or different, e.g. heterosexual-homoromantic.
Homoromantic: A homoromantic person is romantically attracted to people of their own gender.
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